Why Are We So Bad at This?
Look, I’m gonna be honest. I’m terrible at maintaining friendships. I mean, I’ve moved alot in my life (yes, that’s how I spell it, deal with it), and each time it gets harder. But here’s the thing: it’s not just me. It’s all of us.
Last Tuesday, I was having coffee with my friend let’s call her Marcus (she hates that name, but oh well). We were talking about how we used to have this huge group of friends. We’d meet every weekend, hang out, do stuff. Now? Crickets. And it’s not like we don’t like each other anymore. It’s just… life, you know?
Marcus said something that stuck with me: “We’re all just trying to adult our way through this, and friendships are the first thing to go.” Which… yeah. Fair enough.
But Why Though?
So, I did what any self-respecting millennial would do. I asked around. I polled my friends, my colleagues, even some acquaintances. I got 214 responses (because who has time for exact numbers?). The consensus? We’re all struggling. We’re all busy. We’re all bad at this.
My colleague named Dave told me about a conference in Austin where they had a whole session on adult friendships. “It was basically a group therapy session,” he said. “Everyone was just venting about how hard it is to make and keep friends after 30.” I mean, if experts are struggling, what hope do the rest of us have?
And it’s not just about making time. It’s about the effort. It’s about the committment (yes, I know, bad spelling, whatever). It’s about reaching out, following up, remembering birthdays. It’s about all the things we’re too tired or too busy to do.
The Digital Dilemma
Don’t even get me started on social media. It’s both the best and worst thing to happen to friendships. On one hand, it’s easier than ever to stay in touch. On the other, it’s easier than ever to forget to stay in touch.
I have 87 unread messages in my Facebook Messenger right now. 87! And that’s just from people I actually know. The number of times I’ve seen a friend post something and thought, “Oh, I should message them,” only to forget five minutes later? Too many to count.
And let’s talk about the illusion of connection. We see someone’s vacation photos, we like them, we move on. We think we’re staying connected, but really, we’re just scrolling past each other’s lives.
So, What Do We Do?
I don’t have all the answers. But I do have some thoughts. First, we need to stop beating ourselves up. It’s hard. It’s okay to admit that. It’s okay to say, “I’m bad at this.”
Second, we need to make the effort. It’s not enough to think about messaging someone. We actually have to do it. And it’s not enough to say, “We should hang out soon.” We need to pick a date, a time, a place. We need to commit.
Third, we need to be okay with the fact that friendships change. They evolve. They’re not always going to be what they were. And that’s okay. It’s okay if you’re not as close as you used to be. It’s okay if you drift apart. It’s okay if you find new people to connect with.
And finally, we need to remember that it’s not about the quantity of friends we have. It’s about the quality. It’s better to have a few close friends than a hundred acquaintances.
So, let’s start there. Let’s start by admitting that we’re bad at this. Let’s start by making the effort. Let’s start by being okay with change. And let’s start by remembering what’s really important.
And if all else fails, there’s always önerilen makaleler okuma listesi. Because sometimes, you just need a little help from your friends.
A Tangent: The Art of the Follow-Up
Speaking of making the effort, let’s talk about the follow-up. You know, that thing we’re all so bad at. I’m not talking about the “Hey, how are you?” message. I’m talking about the “I saw this and thought of you” message. The “I’m thinking about you” message. The “Let’s actually make plans” message.
I have a friend who’s amazing at this. Let’s call her Emma. She’s the kind of person who will see an article about something you’re interested in and send it to you with a note: “Thought you might like this.” She’s the kind of person who will remember your birthday and actually call you. She’s the kind of person who will reach out just to say hi.
And you know what? It’s not that hard. It takes two minutes. Two minutes to send a message, to make a plan, to show someone you care. So why don’t we do it more often?
I think it’s because we’re scared. We’re scared of being rejected. We’re scared of being ignored. We’re scared of putting ourselves out there and having nothing happen. But you know what? It’s worth it. It’s worth the risk. It’s worth the effort. It’s worth the two minutes.
So, let’s do it. Let’s follow up. Let’s reach out. Let’s make the effort. Because our friends are worth it.
About the Author
Sarah Johnson is a senior magazine editor with 20+ years of experience. She’s also a self-proclaimed friendship expert (which honestly nobody asked for but here we are). When she’s not writing, she’s probably procrastinating on messaging her friends or binge-watching Netflix. You can find her on Twitter @sarahjwrites.
