I Tried Marie Kondo. It Was a Disaster.
Look, I get it. We’re all supposed to be minimalists now. But let me tell you something—Marie Kondo and I? We don’t get along. It started last Tuesday, over coffee at the place on 5th. My friend Lisa, who’s basically a human version of a Pinterest board, told me, “You have to try this new method. It’ll change your life.”
I should’ve known better. I mean, I’m the kind of person who has three half-finished novels in my drawer and a junk drawer that’s basically a black hole. But I tried. Oh, how I tried.
First, I gathered all my clothes. Marie says to hold each item and ask if it “sparks joy.” Well, my 2004 concert tee from that band I love? It sparks joy. My 17 pairs of black pants? They spark something. But then I got to my sock drawer. I mean, who the hell gets joy from socks? I gave up after 36 hours. My house is still a mess.
Why We’re All Obsessed with Decluttering
I get it, though. There’s this alot of pressure to be perfect. To have a home that looks like it’s out of a magazine. But here’s the thing—I’m not perfect. My home isn’t perfect. And that’s okay.
I talked to a colleague named Dave about this. He said, “It’s not about having less. It’s about making room for what matters.” Which… yeah. Fair enough. But how do you even start?
First, you gotta admit you have a problem. I mean, I still have a collection of keychains from places I’ve never been. What is that about? But here’s the thing—you don’t have to throw it all out. You can keep the stuff that matters. You can keep the memories. You can keep the mess, frankly.
Smart Homes and the Illusion of Control
And look, I’m not saying don’t declutter. I’m saying don’t let some Japanese woman on TV make you feel bad about your life choices. But if you’re gonna do it, do it your way. And if you’re really into this whole “smart home” thing, you might wanna check out how smart home features property value. I mean, who knows? Maybe a robot vacuum will change your life. But probably not.
I tried one of those robot vacuums. Let’s call him Marcus. Marcus was a disaster. He got stuck under my couch and played the same beep noise for 11 hours. I had to physicallyy drag him out. So, no thanks. I’ll stick to my old-school broom.
A Tangent About My Mom’s Basement
Speaking of messes, remember my mom’s basement? Oh, it was a sight. Boxes upon boxes of God knows what. She swore there was gold down there. Turns out, it was just a lot of old magazines and a broken toaster. But here’s the thing—she loved that basement. It was her little world. And who am I to judge?
So, yeah. Decluttering is overrated. Keep your stuff. Keep your memories. Keep your damn socks. Life’s too short to worry about whether your sock drawer “sparks joy.”
But if you do wanna declutter, do it on your terms. Don’t let some TV personality tell you how to live your life. And for the love of God, don’t buy a robot vacuum.
About the Author: Sarah Johnson has been a senior magazine editor for over 20 years. She’s written for major publications and has a strong opinion on everything. She lives in a slightly messy home with her cat, Mr. Whiskers, and a collection of concert tees she’ll never throw out.
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